I'm working on how to upload the video to Youtube or Blogger. (It's an avi file and I need to convert it to another type of file.) It's hard to hear me, I'm washed out, you can totally tell I wore the wrong kind of bra, and apparently I ate a hippopotamus right before going on stage.
The text of my routine:
So I just moved to New York City.
Yeah, which is awesome but it's also like entering an abusive relationship. Actually, it's more like entering an S&M relationship. And there's paperwork involved.
I moved from Washington DC and I'm so glad I got outta there before all this Obama mania happened, I mean I'm as liberal as the next intelligent person, but these people are like crazy, right? I mean, inauguration day, the ceremony, the ceremony was nice, right? They COULDA been all melodramatic and released white doves.
But they just released white guilt.
But the people? Twitter and Facebook were blowing up with these[crying] "omg he's so…I'm so…it's so…humanity."
All of a sudden all my friends became inarticulate teenage girls with a crush. But now that Barry's in office, they're acting all betrayed, like Oh He's Changed. He wasn't like this when we were dating. It's like a scene from He's Just Not That Into You.
I saw this coming. See, I've dated Barack Obama. Ok, I haven't DATED Barack Obama because that would be RIDICULOUS, but I've dated guys LIKE Barack Obama—rich, good-looking, smart, big penis, whatever—and I'm here to tell you, they're a bunch of lazy motherfuckers. Give me a nebbish guy any day. You got back hair? Bring it. 'Cause I know, YOU know, you're gonna have to WORK for it. But a guy like Barack Obama's all, Oh Baby I'm sorry I fell asleep. You just give such gooooood blow jobs!
Yeah. Takes a strong woman to regulate a Barack Obama. Michelle is a strong woman. This is how it went down, Michelle, she said: All right. Barry. I'll give up my two-hundred-seventy-five-thousand-dollar-a-year job. That I love. So you can follow your dream. That's one-point-one million dollars. Per term. But if I DO that baby, my mama's moving in with us, and YOU'RE giving ME a blow job tonight.