i'm a white writer. in new york. original, no? i've been blogging since october 2002. this blog picks up in october 2008, when i moved from DC to NY...(and then I moved to Maine in 2012)

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

"Sorry, Your Princess Is In Another Castle."

These are the opening paragraphs of my February post for RealMental.

I call bullshit.

I call bullshit on people saying, “You’re so brave.” Look, I know it’s a nice thought, and nicely meant, and I should be flattered and all, but the truth is, there’s no bravery involved when you have no other choices.

I simply had to find my way out of depression. Even though I was productive while I was depressed (almost freakishly so), I knew I couldn’t continue at the pace I was running at for too many more years. I’ve never had a backup plan—no parents to swoop in, no partner to stave off the hand-to-mouth scenario.

(Believe me, that’s not a complaint—you can’t buy motivation like that.)

For a not insignificant number of years, I tried to be gentle with myself. I reconciled myself with the obvious conclusion that I was doomed to be a writer-slash-artist. Rather than hide that, I tried to let it grow strong. This was when I was just beginning to get an inkling of how messed up things were; luckily, at the time, I had no inkling of the work that lay ahead. I cried to friends. I cried in therapy. I cried during massages. I cried in the car.

Oh god, all those poor ex-boyfriends.

To read the rest of the post, click here.


Sandi Longhurst said...

I call bullshit to your calling bullshit and only because I've been there. Many years spent heavily self-medicated, what I felt was weak and vulnerable, that I had no other choice. When I finally found a space to land and clarity I read old documents from my life - pre-divorce letters and realized the amazing courage that I had to leave a crazy world even if it was into a crazier one for a while. As I sat on the floor of my bedroom with papers in hand I realized the magnitude of what I had chosen in that choice-less state. My hope for you is that you also have that awareness of your courage, especially as someone creative - I think the structured insane world is harder for us than others. Blessings.

derora noo said...

Point taken and appreciated. I think I'm choosing this narrative to stave off complacency. Now that I'm on solid ground, I want to push myself to choose to be uncomfortable if it leads to more growth. Everything feels different now.